It happens SO fast. One second, your toddler is playing sweetly, and the next… SMACK. They’ve hit you, their sibling, or another child. You freeze for a second, unsure whether to be angry, embarrassed, or just completely overwhelmed. You likely feel all three!

I get it. It’s frustrating and exhausting. And it’s easy to feel like you’ve somehow failed when your toddler lashes out physically. But before we go down that road, let me remind you of something important:

Hitting is not a sign that your child is mean, bad, or destined to be the playground bully. It’s a sign that their brain is still developing and they are still learning…. Both of which are completely normal.

Why do toddlers hit?

Toddlers don’t hit because they’re trying to be aggressive. They hit because they are wired to use their bodies in this way. Their little brains are still developing impulse control (the ability to stop themselves from doing a certain action, in this case), and when they feel big emotions - frustration, excitement, impatience, or even joy - their BODY reacts first.

Maybe they want a toy, but they don’t have the words to ask for it. Maybe they’re overstimulated and don’t know how to calm down. Maybe they’re just testing, watching your reaction and trying to understand how the world works.

Toddlers react with their bodies first and their words later. It’s completely normal. It’s also something we can help them outgrow with the right strategies.

What NOT to do when your toddler hits

If your toddler is hitting, it’s tempting to react with:

“No hitting! That’s not nice!”

“We don’t hit! Be nice!”

“Stop that right now!”

And listen, I totally get it. It’s human nature to want to shut the behavior down immediately. But if we only focus on what they shouldn’t do, we’re missing the chance to teach them what they should do next time instead.

So, what DO you do when your toddler hits?!

The goal isn’t just to stop the hitting in the moment (though that is important, of course, to keep everyone safe).

The goal is to teach your child, over time, how to replace it with a better way to communicate a desire or need and/or cope with a feeling.

If your toddler hits you, another child, or even themselves, try this:

Step 1: Stay calm

Easier said than done, right? But your reaction does matter. If you yell or react angrily, your child may either get scared (and stop in the moment, but not actually learn) or get even more worked up. Sometimes they even see this as a funny game (as frustrating as that is), and will want to do it more.

Instead, take a breath and respond in a steady, firm voice: “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts.”

Your toddler needs to know that hitting is not okay, but they also need your calm energy to help them regulate.

Step 2: Teach what to do instead

Your child doesn’t magically know what to do when they feel frustrated or impatient. You have to show them.

If they hit because they wanted a toy:

“You can say, ‘Can I have a turn?’ instead.” (Then model it for them!)

If they hit out of excitement:

“You can clap your hands or do a happy dance instead.” (Show them what this looks like.)

If they hit because they’re frustrated:

“You can stomp your feet or take a deep breath instead.” (Practice doing this together.)

This is where patience comes in. Your toddler won’t learn this after one conversation. They need repetition, practice, and a LOT of modeling before it clicks.

Step 3: Follow through consistently

The hardest part of this whole process? Sticking with it. You’ll feel like a broken record repeating the same things over and over again. This is normal because that’s how children learn.

Some days, it’ll feel like nothing is working. Other days, you’ll catch them clasping their hands instead of grabbing or taking a deep breath instead of hitting. And on those days, you’ll realize - it’s clicking…!

Handling hitting in the moment

There will be times when your toddler is mid-meltdown, flailing and hitting, and no amount of calm explanations will stop them in the moment. That’s okay. When that happens:

Block the hits if they’re coming at you. Gently use your hands or body to prevent them from hitting you.
Hold their hands gently and say, “I can’t let you hit me. I’m going to keep us both safe.”
Ride out the big feelings together without punishing or shaming. Do not continue to repeat yourself and try to lecture them about what to do instead. Your toddler’s brain is not open to learning in the middle of a meltdown, and repeating yourself is likely just going to escalate them. Oftentimes they just need silence from you.
Once they’re calm, that’s when you model and practice the alternative behaviors. Trying to reason with a toddler mid-meltdown is like trying to teach algebra to someone on a rollercoaster… it’s just not going to happen.

“But what if my toddler just keeps hitting?”

Some toddlers are more physical than others. If your child keeps hitting even after lots of teaching and modeling, a few things might be happening:

They might be overtired, overstimulated, or hungry. A toddler running on fumes is much more likely to lash out.

They might need a different sensory outlet. Some kids need big movements to regulate - things like jumping, running, climbing - so if hitting is constant, try adding more safe, contained physical play to their day.
They might still be figuring it out. Learning a new way to communicate takes time. Some kids need months (or even longer) of repetition before they fully stop hitting.

The big picture

Hitting is just one piece of the toddler behavior puzzle. Your child’s ability to self-regulate will grow over time, especially with your guidance.

In the meantime, remind yourself that this is normal. Your child is not broken and you’re not failing. It WILL get easier. You are teaching them skills they will use for the rest of their life!

If you want to learn more about how to use a simple routine to promote a more regulated child (because this is a real thing!), click HERE to download my FREE Guide - Start Strong: Routine Guide for Ages 0-5.

Questions about hitting? Add a comment below!

And remember to hang in there. You’ve got this.

What to do when your toddler hits