My toddler hits and bites…. Help!!
Learn why your child may do this and how you should handle it.
Whenever I mention toddler hitting and biting on Instagram, I get an overwhelming amount of people saying their toddler does this - so first off, know that you are not alone! J is currently in a hitting phase at the time of this post (he is 2.5 years) and it is such a hard thing to handle. Do you discipline them? Should you ignore it? How do you get them to stop?!
First, it can be really helpful to understand the WHY behind the behavior so you know a) what is normal in the toddler years, b) why it is happening, and c) HOW to respond appropriately to help your child learn.
There are three main reasons why a child may hit, bite, or be generally aggressive with their body:
An emotional response
Your child may feel mad, frustrated, or angry, and so they hit or bite you to show that emotion. This is often the case when your child doesn’t quite have the language skills yet to communicate how they are feeling, so they use their body to express themselves
A sensory need
Hitting and biting both provide your toddler’s body with sensory input - deep pressure sensation to the arms and/or the mouth. This sensory input can actually be calming and/or regulating for a young child, as they are learning more about how their body works. This is very common among younger toddlers, between 12-24 months.
Silliness and/or testing boundaries
Your child may hit or bite in order to see what reaction they get from you. If they are acting silly, they may be over-stimulated or seeking attention from you.
Generally speaking, hitting and biting are a very normal part of child development. It doesn’t mean that your child is bad or mean-tempered! Keep in mind that this phase may last a while, depending on the child’s personality and temperament and your parenting style.
So…what do you DO when it happens?
First, as challenging as it is, try not to have a big, loud, emotional response. I know, this is so hard! I mean, your child just hit or bit you and it may have actually really hurt. But when you can, try to respond in a calm and neutral voice - this helps to avoid the big reaction that your child might have been seeking.
If your child is hitting or biting you out of an emotional response, move your body away while narrating back to them what happened. For example, “You’re mad so you hit me. Hitting hurts. I’m going to move my body away to keep myself safe.”
They may become even more upset that you moved away, but this is okay. Wait until they have calmed down, and then tell them what they can do instead when they feel mad next time - for example, they can say “I’m mad!”, ask you for help with something, or hit a pillow. Remember, the emotion itself is not wrong. It is not wrong to feel mad. It is okay for your child to have emotions! However, it is the physical behavior, in reaction to the emotion, that is wrong. We want to help teach them appropriate ways of expressing themselves….which can take a long time to learn : )
If your child is hitting or biting you out of a sensory need, try offering them something safe and age-appropriate they can hit or bite, instead of you. For example, when J was a bit younger, he used to come up to me and bite my leg. I would calmly tell him “Ouch, biting hurts me.” and then tell him what he CAN bite - ie, a teether from the freezer (a cold object can really help provide that oral input to the mouth, and soothe any teething pain!) I then went and got a teether from the freezer and gave it to him. He has now begun to ask for a teether if he wants something to bite on! This means that he is working on recognizing his internal body cues and sensory needs, which is great. This takes time and repetition, so don’t give up!
When your child is biting or hitting out of playfulness or testing boundaries, the best thing you can do is calmly walk away from them. You can say “Ouch! That hurts. I’m going to move my body away because I don’t want you to hurt me.” If you aren’t able to move away - maybe you are carrying them up the stairs or trying to get them in the car seat, for example - continue on with the task as calmly and quickly as you can. Give them very little feedback to them about the behavior. As soon as you safely can, put them down and move yourself away.
Sometimes your child may even laugh as they hit or bite you, which can feel so frustrating. Try not to laugh with them! Kids love nothing more than when something becomes a game. Once they realize that it isn’t a game, they eventually will tire of it and stop the behavior.
Something to note is that every child is different - there is no perfect response! What may work for one child may not work for another. Plus, these strategies take lots of time and repetition to see progress, so don’t stop trying even if it doesn’t seem to “work” the first time. It’s okay if your response isn’t on target 100% of the time. Just try your best to be consistent and you will eventually see results, I promise.
What if this behavior is happening at daycare or school?
First of all, I can promise you that your child is not the only one doing it. The staff there are trained in child development and they see it every day. Keep in contact with the staff and ask them what their response is when it happens. This gives you an opportunity to learn strategies from them that you can also incorporate at home.
It may also help to inquire about any patterns or frequent triggers that the staff sees. For example, maybe your child is hitting another child every time they take a toy from them. Recognizing these triggers can help you guide your child through their emotions and teach them a more appropriate way to react.
The biggest thing I want you to take away from this post is that we want to teach our children cause-and-effect. For instance, if they hit you, you simply move away from them. Time-outs have proven to be ineffective in young children because they simply can’t correlate between hitting and being sent to their room. If you need to remove the child from the situation, go with them and use it as an opportunity to talk in a calm environment or just sit together to co-regulate. Kids need to know that their parents/caregivers are there for them no matter what emotions they may have.
If you want to learn more about hitting, biting, and other challenging toddler behaviors, check out my Toddler Routine Guides - each Guide includes a comprehensive Behavior section that teaches you how to respond to behaviors like biting in a a simple, practical, and easy-to-implement way so that it lessens over time. Grab your child’s specific age range for the most developmentally-appropriate strategies in each phase.
Tell me - is your child in a hitting or biting phase? Comment below so we know we’re not alone!